Title: Restoring God’s Design for Marriage: Husband Edition
This morning, we’re zeroing in on the husband’s role in a godly marriage.
Kelly’s Uncle Phil told a story once about a husband and wife who had drifted apart.
They were disagreeing to the point that everything was at constant loggerheads.
Things had become so bad that they barely spoke to each other during the day.
It got to the point where they both simply thought that the other was constantly wrong, crazy even.
Finally, the very religious wife informed her husband,
“I’ve given God an ultimatum. I told him that to strike dead whichever one of us is wrong.
And after he does, I’m going to move in with my sister.”
Obviously, this isn’t how husbands and wives are meant to live with each other.
Currently, 43% of 1 st marriages end in divorce in the United States and 60% of 2nd marriages do so.
When a couple lives together beforehand, the chance of divorce doubles.
This is because of the sinful tendencies that we carry with us into every relationship.
God’s design for marriage that counteracts our sinful tendencies are found in our passage.
So, let’s read Ephesians 5:22–33
* 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as
Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to
Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
* 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might
sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the
church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and
without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves
his wife loves himself.
* 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,
30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold
fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that
it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the
wife see that she respects her husband.
In somewhat of a review from last week, I first challenge you to -
1. LEARN & LOVE GOD’S DESIGN FOR MARRIAGE. (23, 31, 32)
We established the eternal truths in our passage last week.
These truths were covered last week in our general look at marriage, coming from verses 23, 31, and 32.
This week, I want us to get the concept that these truths must be embraced if we’re to live out our roles
as husbands and wives.
I want to challenge you to resolve to live by these truths and to encourage others to live by them in their
marriages.
The first resolution that we must embrace is that we must -
1A. COMMIT TO IMITATE THE RELATIONSHIP OF CHRIST AND THE CHURCH. (V.23)
* 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself
its Savior.
I’m going to say the most about v. 23 because it defines the husband’s role.
The role of husband is the role of the head of the home.
This is a role of authority and leadership.
As I read last week, the Evangelical Exegetical Commentary makes this statement,
“As Christ is “Savior” —so also the husband is to express his role as head with his wife’s welfare as his
constant aim.”
Spiderman’s Uncle Ben once told him, “With great power comes great responsibility.”
Well, another fact is that “With great authority comes great accountability.”
Similar with any leadership role, whether it be a president of a country or a church shepherd, those who
are in a position of authority will give an account before God for their handling of it.
This is partly because authority is always LENT.
Similar to how a person might be deputized to work as a deputy sheriff, that badge they wear represents
that an authority has lent some of their authority to them.
And they will be held accountable for what they do with it.
I’m sending everyone home with an exercise of how to start leading your home.
This is something that starts with husband and wife sitting down together and establishing the biblical
purposes and values that you believe you should live according to.
But even if you’re a household of one, this is a very good exercise for you to do to set the course of your
life and achieve what you believe God desires from you.
The second resolution that we must embrace is to -
1B. COMMIT TO YIELD TO GOD’S ORIGINAL DESIGN FOR MARRIAGE. (V.31)
* 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become
one flesh.”
The sinful world we live in has made a mockery of marriage.
If your home is following the design of the TV family like that of the Bunkers, The Simpson or even the
Cleavers you’re not going to be the husband that you were created to be.
Since husbands are given by God the authority and responsibility to manage your marriage and family, you
want to know and work by His original design for marriage.
And we’re going to see this morning that much of your success as husbands will flow from how much you
believe God when He tells you you’re one flesh with your wife.
The third resolution that we must embrace is to -
1A. COMMIT TO LETTING MARRIAGE POINT TO CHRIST AND THE CHURCH. (V.32)
* 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
If you think that marriage should be about making you happy, what are you going to do when life goes
through a rough patch?
What happens when our promise “for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health” becomes an everyday
challenge?
In his book Sacred Marriage Gary Smalley writes,
“Your marriage is more than a sacred covenant with another person. It is a spiritual discipline designed to
help you know God better, trust him more fully, and love him more deeply. What if God s primary intent for
your marriage isn t to make you happy . . . but holy?”
So, We’ve been given the purpose of marriage in our verses.
This purpose was a profound mystery throughout the Old Testament.
Marriage has always meant to point to the sacrificially providing, unconditional loving relationship between
Jesus and His church.
As we approach the roles in marriage, we can make the mistake of living by the letter of the law.
We all know adage of how “It’s better to live by the spirit of the law than the letter of the law.”
Don’t take me as saying it’s one or the other.
We should live according to God’s commands.
But we should live by them in an attitude of worship and love toward God.
I’ve noticed something with my grandsons when it comes time to take a picture.
They were taught to say “CHEESE” so that we’ll get a semblance of a smile from them.
Well, recently, when someone points a phone at them and says, “Let’s get a picture,” they might not even
lift their head from what their doing.
They just say “CHEESE” and keep right on about their business.
They’re living by the letter of the law which used to be, “When it’s picture time, say ‘cheese’.”
Guys, we can make a similar mistake by approaching the responsibility to lead and provide for our wives.
We can make decisions, fix the problems, bring home the bacon, and miss that we’re supposed to be
loving like Jesus as we do it.
We can miss that we’re supposed to be surrendered to God’s design and filled with gospel grace for our
wives.
A husband’s love and leadership have a profound impact on his wife’s growth and well-being.
And this, in turn, will profoundly affect their marriage for the better.
Having committed to learn and love God’s design for marriage let me first challenge us, husbands
2. LOVE YOUR WIVES UNCONDITIONALLY, AS JESUS DOES.
* 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might
sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the
church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and
without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.
The Greco-Roman culture of the day insisted that the wife had obligations to her husband.
But the husband was thought to have no such obligations to his wife.
The Christian movement was counter-cultural, even revolutionary in that it called husbands to the highest
standard.
* 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
The kind of love spoken of here isn’t the emotional “never know you lover her ‘till you let her go” stuff.
It’s agapaō love, which is unconditional, sacrificial, totally unselfish love.
Showing this kind of love, the husband is to not pursue his own satisfaction or fulfillment.
Instead, he strives for the highest good of his wife and family.
And the standard that the Christian husband is to look to as his example is the sacrificial love of Christ.
More specifically, we’re to follow the example of how Jesus gave Himself up for the church.
There’s a lot of misconceptions of the headship/leadership that a husband is to practice in the Christian
home.
Self-sacrifice in following the example of Christ should eliminate any excuse that tyranny or neglect of a
wife’s emotional needs are somehow justified in these verses.
Our wive’s every needs are to be elevated above our needs as husbands.
As CL Mitton describes the husbands call to love as Christ loved,
“It means not only a practical concern for the welfare of the other, but a continual readiness
to subordinate one’s own pleasure and advantage for the benefit of the other. It implies
patience and kindliness, humility and courtesy, trust and support. This love means that one
is eager to understand what the needs and interests of the other are, and will do
everything in his power to supply those needs and further those interests”
Further details are given about the long view of Jesus’ work for the good of His bride, the church
* 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
The example of Christ is elaborated in a very detailed way, as it was Paul’s practice to expound theologically
when he had the opportunity.
Jesus’ ministry makes the Christian holy, and the image is in our receiving the word of the gospel and
being baptized.
The end result of Christ’s care for us as His church is at what’s referred to as His marriage to the church.
* 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing,
that she might be holy and without blemish.
Similar to how a bride wants to be looking her best for her wedding, we will look our best as the church.
A major difference is that it’s Jesus that is preparing us rather than us preparing ourselves.
While we should be pursuing personal holiness to the benefit of our relationship with God and others,
the holiness the God grants us in Christ is completely separate and perfect.
The splendor that Christ will present us in (to Himself) involves honor, glory, and beauty.
In our perfect glorified bodies, clothed in the righteousness of Christ, we won’t have the slightest blemish
of sin.
While verses 26-27 are mainly a theological digression, husbands should still observe what is important to
God in how we love our wives unconditionally.
28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.
We’re to be stewards of their hearts, with a responsibility to encourage a deeper love for the Lord.
Thus, in the same way that Christ prepares His bride, the church, for the final wedding feast of the End
Times, we husbands should be helping our wives to prepare for that day.
This means that we will care for their spiritual wellbeing.
And we should never encourage them toward sin.
When you’re a younger sibling, you can find yourself living in your older sibling’s shadow.
It can be that more is expected of you or people could be surprised by what you achieve in comparison.
My oldest brother was a rebel without a clue.
I can still remember entering high school and the dean of students telling me,
“Oh, you’re a Bowman. Well, I’m gonna have my eye on you, buddy!”
As Christian husbands, we live in our older brother’s shadow.
As a husband, it can be intimidating to be commanded to follow in Jesus’ example of love in our
relationships with our wives.
We’re basically going to be regularly seeking forgiveness of God and our wives as we constantly fall short.
But keep in mind that Jesus’ love isn’t just this static standard that you’re measuring yourself against.
If you’re a Christian, His love is a relationship that you’re living within as you seek to imitate Him.
Christ Himself is there to coach you along.
Your endeavor to love your wife as He loves His church can be what draws you closer to Him in constant
relationship, more than anything that you’ve ever experienced.
It’s almost like it’s what God intended - to give us a lifelong challenge in which we always have to walk
with Him to get anywhere near doing it right.
Having committed to learn and love God’s design for marriage let me also challenge us, husbands
3. LOVE YOUR WIVES AS A PART OF YOUR BODY, AS JESUS DOES.
* 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves
himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the
church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother
and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am
saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself,
Our love for our wives should rival our love for our own selves - our bodies.
* 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves
himself.
But there’s also a theological point being built up to here which we dealt with last week.
And that theological point is that God designed marriage to make a man and woman into one body.
First, the point is made that the husband is to live out of the conviction that his wife’s needs should come
before the needs of his body.
The truth is that by loving his wife, the husband is investing in himself because he is one with her.
It shouldn’t amount to a selfish reason.
But it’s a matter of faith to read this statement and to set out to elevate his wife’s needs above his own.
Now we see the connection between normal biology and the theology of the church.
* 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,
30 because we are members of his body.
It’s normal biology for a man to feel hunger and seek to meet that need to feel and itch and want to
scratch it.
He doesn’t look at his body and say, “What are you whining about now?”
Thus, with his wife being as important as his own body (in fact being one with his body), the husband is to
be looking for her needs that come to the surface so that he can meet them gladly.
As he nourishes his body, he should nourish his wife physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Or as RC Sproul writes - “One of the most wonderful parts of the marriage ceremony is the vow that we
take to cherish one another. To cherish one another means to hold one another in the highest esteem
and to place an infinite value on one another. This is the attitude that is to permeate the home.”
For the husband, this sort of love can lead to a deepening identification with and growth in Christ.
In his closing statement on this matter, Paul doesn’t let the issue just hang out there as some surreal truth.
* 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become
one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
33a However, let each one of you love his wife as himself,
No, he makes clear that each of us as husbands have these commands to obey.
He brings it down to us personally and says, “let each one of you love his wife as himself.”
Imagine a man wakes up to find himself surprised that his hand is stuck in a hole in the wall.
He’s got a list of a bunch of tasks to accomplish.
But he’s only got one free hand.
Also, much of what he needs to accomplish the tasks aren’t even in the room with him.
He picks up a piece of paper that tells him that on the other side of the wall is another person that his hand
is connected to.
He learns that this person has different skills and materials than what he has available to him.
He learns, over time, that he can direct that person by moving his hand.
Through subtle communication, the two of them are able to accomplish everything on the task list.
But the most important step for him is to believe what the note is telling him.
I know that this illustration falls short of the picture of love that we should show our wives.
But what it’s meant to get across is that, when we believe God’s Word that we are one person with our
wives, we realize how important it is to maximize that oneness.
When sin came into the world, it caused a wall of division between husband and wife.
But it didn’t remove God’s original design of oneness through marriage.
Without learning and loving God’s truth about marriage that they are one flesh, we just live a frustrated life.
Husband and wife will simply be heading off in their own directions trying to live their lives - not realizing
that it was meant to be lived together/working together.
I’ve only touched on the nature of “getting things done” which is important to us as men.
But the truth is that if you’re one flesh with your wife,
If she’s not healthy, you’re not healthy.
If she’s thriving, you’re thriving.
If she’s discontent, you’re discontent.
If she’s filled with love and assurance, you’re filled with the same.
I’ve spoken a lot about leadership in this message.
The simplest definition of a leader is that a “a person who is followed.”
If you want to be a husband who is followed, you need to start with deciding where you’re going.
And I encourage you to start together.
Your destination should be your lifelong sense of what you believe is your biblical purpose(s) together.
How you are going to move from where you are toward your purpose as a couple is based on what’s
important to you as a couple.
For us as a church, our purposes are to Exalt God, Edify & Equip Believers, and Extend His Kingdom.
Our Values dictate that we want to do everything -
Under the Authority of the Scriptures
Applying the truth to daily life
In Prayerful Dependence on God
With ministry done by the body of Christ
In the context of Christ-honoring personal relationships
Discipling the next Generation of what I’m doing.
A vision of your future is simply where you believe the Lord wants you to be as a couple in however many
years as you move toward your purpose according to your values.
I’ve provided a sheet in your bulletin to help couples work through these questions together.
Upon establishing these elements, what do husbands do as the leader?
You protect them.
You bring them to bear on a decision.
You lovingly remind your wife and family of the elements that you’ve established in your home.
I’d love to sit down and help any of you work through these very important elements to establish together.
