Title: Is Marriage Ours to Define - or God’s to Design?
The story is told of a ship on a stormy sea in the fog when the ship’s radar suddenly picks up an object
directly in its path.
The ship’s captain immediately goes on the radio:
“We are on a collision course. We advise you to move 10 degrees to the north!”
You can only imagine the captain’s consternation when the responses crackles back over the radio:
“Negative. We advise you to change course 10 degrees south.”
The captain can now see a blinking light from the approaching vessel.
Grabbing the radio, he bellows out his reply:
“This is the captain of the USS Intrepid. Change course 10 degrees north, now!”
“I’m a seaman second class,” came the response.
“I advise that you change course 10 degrees south to avoid imminent collision.”
Furious, the captain tries again: “This is a United States Naval Destroyer! Change your course immediately!”
Then comes that calm, very irritating voice again over the radio:
“This is a lighthouse. I strongly advise you change your course immediately!”
There’s no question which one of these men were going to need to listen to the other.
Of course, the captain of the battleship could’ve stuck to his guns.
But it doesn’t matter what your rank is when you’re challenging something that’s immovable and is
determined to outlive you, even after a full collision with it.
This is a similar situation between our culture and the institution of marriage.
Some might think of marriage as a cultural institution and therefore changeable with the culture.
Some might consider marriage to be simply an historical phenomenon that have tun it’s course.
We’re asking the question this morning - Is Marriage Ours to Define - or God’s to Design?
I’ll just answer it right up front.
Marriage is God’s to design.
And I believe you will see this argued from the authority of scripture this morning.
We’re going to be looking at Ephesians 5:22–33 over the next 3 weeks.
Next week we’ll be looking at the husband’s role.
The following week we’ll be looking at the wife’s role.
This morning we’re looking at the significance of marriage in general by examining a few statements in
this passage.
These statements are the basis for why husbands and wives should follow the roles in their marriage that
God has created for them both.
After today’s message, I hope you’re amazed by how the marriage relationship is
patterned after Christ and His relationship with the church,
is built on God’s original design,
and is meant to proclaim the gospel.
So, let’s read Ephesians 5:22–33
* 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as
Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to
Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
* 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might
sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the
church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and
without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves
his wife loves himself.
* 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,
30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold
fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that
it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the
wife see that she respects her husband.
As I said, I’m going to focus on 3 specific verses that are leaned on to explain the God given roles in
marriage.
If you aren’t married, you might be moving in that direction.
Or you might be able to better explain God’s design for marriage from these verses.
Or you may just be able to better understand what the fuss is over regarding the attacks on the institution
of marriage that come from ungodly culture.
So, from the first of these 3 standout verses, let me challenge you to -
1. FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE OF CHRIST AND THE CHURCH. (V.23)
* 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself
its Savior.
Verse 23 gives us the pattern for our conduct in marriage.
The marriage roles are not self-defined - they’re patterned after Christ’s relationship to His church.
The pattern that marriage must reflect is Christ’s headship over the church—expressed in sacrificial
leadership for her good.
The design of marriage is that the husband is in the role of the head.
This is a role of authority and leadership.
Jesus is the head over all things.
* Ephesians 1:22 And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the
church,
And His headship is used as an analogy of the husbands role here in Ephesians 5 and also in -
* 1 Corinthians 11:3 3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of
a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.
RC Sproul writes, “headship involves authority. This authority is not given to exercise tyranny, but
leadership. The husband is responsible for the leadership of the home. He is accountable to God for how
the home is managed, and how the affairs of the home are conducted.”
So, the husband and wife should see that they are following a pattern of how God does things.
It’s how He designed for domestic relationships to function.
And it’s important to note that one being the head of the other doesn’t mean one being more valuable
than the other.
Would we say that God the Father is more valuable than Christ simply because He functions as the head.
The husband’s role is clarified by Jesus being referenced as the Savior of the church.
This highlights that the husband is to be his wife’s protector.
And it also highlights that Jesus’ role of Savior is similar to the caring role that the husband is to have with
his wife.
The Evangelical Exegetical Commentary makes this statement, “As Christ is “Savior” —so also the husband
is to express his role as head with his wife’s welfare as his constant aim.”
We’ll get more into this next week of course.
For now, simply understand that our roles in marriage are to follow the example of Christ and the church.
The example that wives are to follow is the church’s reception and dependence on Christ as protector and
provider.
This is reflected in the role submission/receptiveness of the wife, which we’ll talk about in two weeks.
Think of marriage as being like the sailing of a Navy ship.
A ship’s captain doesn’t just choose the destination—he follows orders.
His authority exists to carry out a mission, not create one.
In the same way, the husband and wife’s roles are not self-defined.
They are patterned after Christ and the church.
Do you look to Christ’s relationship with His church as the pattern that defines how marriage should
function?
What if you’re not married? How do you follow the example of Christ and the church?
You encourage those who are married to follow these examples by not getting swept away in our culture’s
desire to redefine marriage.
Telling your loved one, “If being in a same sex relationship makes you happy, then I’m happy” doesn’t
stand for the truth.
It makes a mockery of God’s design.
And, as we’ll see, it harms God’s message of the gospel in marriage.
If verse 23 tells us how marriage should function, verse 31 tells us why it has that structure in the first
place.
And from verse 31, I hope to convince you to -
2. YIELD TO GOD’S ORIGINAL DESIGN FOR MARRIAGE. (V.31)
* 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become
one flesh.”
So, verse 31 gives us the structure of the institution of marriage.
Paul quotes Genesis 2:24 in the middle of his explanation of how a husband should care for his wife as he
does his own body.
This reference back to God’s design for husband and wife places the marriage roles into the proper context.
Marriage is not evolving—it is constructed according to a fixed design established at creation.
This statement was made upon Adam being introduced to Eve -it’s foundational.
The structure that marriage is built upon is God’s creational design: a permanent, exclusive, one-flesh union
forming a new primary covenant.
And fulfilling this design is dependent upon the couple’s relationship functioning free from their parents
still wielding authority in the couple’s life together.
The additional point being made is that the husband and wife are essentially one body.
RC Sproul writes, “The mystical goal of marriage is the union of two people. That union does not annul or
annihilate individual personalities… the union is very profound. People become of one mind, one
concern, and one passion. That goes deep in a healthy marriage; the two are like one person.”
This foundational verse is quoted at least in part in other places where marriage is taught on.
But as is the case whenever this verse is brought into the discussion, it’s used to remind the reader that
permanence and exclusivity of marriage is essential to God’s creation order.
In other words, marriages don’t work unless there’s a commitment to it being permanent and that each
are looking nowhere else for what they should find in their spouse.
In Matthew 19, Jesus quotes this verse to explain why divorce represents a dilapidation of God’s
intention that marriage be a permanent union between husband and wife.
In 1 Corinthians 6, a portion of it is quoted to explain the severity of adultery in that it causes a person
to become one flesh with someone instead of their spouse.
The New Testament Commentary states, “This statement from the creation story is the most profound
and fundamental statement in the whole of Scripture concerning God’s plan for marriage. It has been
the ultimate bulwark of the church against the arguments for allowing polygamy…; it is the ultimate
argument against promiscuity; it is the ultimate reason why the church can have no pleasure in the
dissolution of marriage by divorce.”
Certainly, in the context of Ephesians 5, as relationships of leadership and submission are being
explained, there would be the question of a married person’s responsibility to parents or spouse.
The quoting of Genesis 2:24 serves as the reminder that the bond of marriage transcends what was had
with one’s parents.
Blood may be thicker than water.
But becoming one flesh with one’s spouse involves a cleaving that requires one to leave the depth of the
bond they once had with mom and dad.
A husband and wife’s highest loyalty is intended to be to their marriage.
As Gary Smalley writes, “A strong marriage requires leaving old dependencies and building a new oneness.”
Without leaving and cleaving, a married couple won’t be able to live according to God’s design.
And any parents that are successful at undermining this primacy of their bond are working against God’s
design for their child’s marriage.
I can remember helping coach 5 th grade football with Steve Woodrow.
Steve had told his Defensive End that he wanted him to set the edge, which means to stay put and watch
to stop the running back or quarterback from running around his side.
But during the entire first half, that 10 yr old Defensive End heard his grampa in the stands yelling
“SWIM!”
And this means that he was telling him to swing his arms in a way that made it so that he could get past
the offensive lineman and get to the quarterback.
I saw the player just throwing his arms up in the air, not knowing what voice he should listen to.
At half time, Coach Woody made sure the competing voice was quieted for the second half.
If a couple never fully “leaves,” the home they grew up in, they’ll live with competing authorities—and the
marriage will never function as designed.
Have you ever had the pleasure of accidentally gluing your fingers together with super glue.
It’s a good example of the cleaving that should take place in marriage.
It’s also an example of uniting sexually with someone who isn’t your spouse, as 1 Cor. 6:16 warns.
God’s Word warns of many areas of life in which we shouldn’t mess with His design.
And I want you to see this morning that marriage is one of the most fundamental and primary.
In fact, marriage is interwoven with creation itself as the first man and woman were created as man and
wife.
We have no right whatsoever to redefine marriage or to pursue a sexual relationship outside of marriage.
Our culture has no right to redefine when marriages should end.
And when our beliefs about marriage are challenged, we should simply do what the writers of the NT did.
We should quote Genesis 2:24 - “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his
wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
Are you submitting to God’s design for marriage—or redefining it according to culture?
So marriage was structured from the introduction of Adam to Eve.
But that structure is not the final explanation because marriage was never meant to point only to itself.
From the very beginning, marriage has been meant to point to God’s redemption plan.
The 3rd effort I want to encourage you toward this morning is to -
3. LET MARRIAGE POINT TO CHRIST AND THE CHURCH (V.32)
* 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
Verse 32 gives us the purpose behind the design.
The purpose of marriage has always been to reveal and proclaim the covenant relationship between Christ
and His church.
When something from the Old Testament is called a mystery, it means that its meaning was shrouded at
one time but has been unshrouded in Christ.
The mystery of marriage is profound because the very institution of marriage has always pointed to the
relationship of Christ and his bride, the church.
The New Testament Commentary also states,
“The husband’s position as head, and his duty of sacrificial love and devoted care for his wife are but
pictures, imperfect, but the best that this life can offer, of Christ as head, of his love, self-sacrifice and
concern for his church. The dependence of the wife on her husband and her duty to accept his
leadership are a picture of how the church should live and act towards her divine Lord.”
Imagine an artist painting a portrait of someone he’s never seen—yet the portrait turns out to match a real
person revealed later.
That’s marriage.
From the beginning, it was designed to point forward to Christ and His church, even before that reality was
fully revealed.
It’s as if all the marriages that had existed before were paintings with Christ and His church as their model
even though, the relationship between Christ and his bride had not yet existed.
As Paul David Tripp writes, “Your marriage is meant to be a living picture of Christ’s redeeming love.”
This is a ministry of truth to every person who attends a wedding.
And our marriages should proclaim the grace and mercy of the gospel.
Gary Smalley agrees when he writes, “Marriage can be a powerful witness of God’s love when lived His way.
Sadly, our culture is no longer sold on the value of marriage as it was created to be.
And the American church hasn’t exactly helped people’s impressions.
I can remember mentoring a man who never had a healthy marriage to look to as an example.
In his words, all he knew was that “Marriage was just a way to end up losing half your stuff.”
Our relationships with Christ should be one’s of submission to His leadership as a wife to her husband.
This informs us as we get into marriage roles next week.
We’ll emphasize that these roles shouldn’t change from one culture to another just as the relationship
between Christ and His church don’t change either.
Do you see marriage as a display of the gospel—or just a personal relationship?
How God is glorified in your marriage or in those you influence will be affected by how you answer that
question.
For today, I’ve wanted to simply establish these truths
Marriage is patterned after Christ and His church,
built on God’s original design from Creation,
and meant to proclaim God’s redemption story.
It’s going to be important to keep that in mind over the next two weeks.
Over the next two weeks we’ll be digging deep into the husbands role of loving like Christ.
And we’ll also be learning about the wife’s role of receiving her husband’s love, provision, and protection.
