Title: Restoring God’s Design for Marriage: Wife Edition As we’ve been moving through Ephesians, we’ve
learned about our gospel relationship with God.
Lately, we’ve been in the very practical side of the letter and how we should live out those gospel truths.
For the last two weeks, we’ve been looking at how God’s truth should impact our marriages, with last
week focusing on the husbands role in marriage.
There’s no way that we could cover the entirety of his role.
And as we move to look at the wife’s role, there’s certainly no way that we could cover all her role as well.
But regardless, we turn to what Ephesians 5 says to wives this morning.
I believe the marriage roles listed in the NT are intended to correct what sin did to marriage.
After Adam and Eve disobeyed God, sin brought separation in their relationship with each other as well as
between them and God.
As a part of the curse, we read in -
* Genesis 3:16b 16b Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.”
The result is that wives tend to want to control their husbands and will be subversive or nag if necessary.
And husbands tend to want to play dictator, setting the rules and doling out the solutions so that they can
move on to what they think are more important issues.
This is why Stuart Scott warns us husbands
“A husband who lords it over his wife does not really care for her as he should,
but instead cares most about his own agenda.”
I believe that the roles which the NT lays out for husband and wife are meant to counteract our sinful
tendencies from the curse.
It’s sin in our hearts that cause us to find the NT roles so challenging.
God’s redemption of marriage redeems what the curse of sin marred
When the tendency of sin pulls at your hearts, the husband’s gospel pathway is to love his wife
unconditionally, and the wife’s gospel pathway is to be submit to her husband.
What I hope to get across this morning is this.
Because Christ is Lord, a wife lives out her obedience to Christ in her marriage, submits to her husband’s
Godgiven responsibility, and demonstrates that submission through respectful honor.
Certainly, we husbands need to have some sympathy for wives as they’re commanded by God to follow
their husbands.
It makes me think of the couple who were pulled over for driving too slow on highway 25.
As the Deputy Sherrif was talking to the man driving, he figured out that the driver thought the highway
marker was the speed limit.
It took him a while to notice the panicked expression on the man’s wife, who was sitting in the passenger
seat.
She sat their eyes wide open, breathing heavy, with a death-grip on the dashboard.
The Deputy asked the husband, “Is she OK. She looks like she’s been scared half-to-death.”
The husband simply responded, “Oh, don’t mind her. She’s been like that since we were on hwy 136.”
There’s certainly some anxiety that can come with obeying God and submitting to your husband.
When their wives are surrendered to God’s design for marriage, the smart husbands I know are driven
to their Bibles and their knees in prayer.
So, let’s read Ephesians 5:22–33 one more time.
* 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as
Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to
Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
* 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might
sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the
church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and
without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves
his wife loves himself.
* 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,
30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold
fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that
it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the
wife see that she respects her husband.
What I think is unique about this teaching in the first century is that the wife is not being told
“this is how to get your husband to love you.”
The husband isn’t being told “This is how to make his wife submit.”
Similar to how the sexual relationship is explained in 1 Corinthians 7, the husband and wife are to rely on
the other choosing to live biblically and not to demand from the other.
The first way I want to challenge wives and future wives this morning is to -
1. APPROACH YOUR MARRIAGE AS AN ACT OF OBEDIENCE TO CHRIST.
* 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as
Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.
Grammatically, this verse can’t be separated from the previous verse, which describes what it looks like to
be filled with the Spirit.
* Ephesians 5:18, 21 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the
Spirit… 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Verse 22 states basically, “Wives, [do so with] your own husbands as to the Lord.”
It’s a carry forward of the idea of submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives are the first example of submission that we’re all called to in relationships that glorify God.
As we looked at last week, husbands are to following the example of Christ in fulfilling their calling to love
and care for their wives.
In the next two weeks, Pastor Josh will preach on the other relationships of submission
* Ephesians 6:1 1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
* Ephesians 6:5 5 Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart,
as you would Christ,
These flow out of the call for all of us to submit to our relational roles in honoring Christ.
Let me note that we’re taught here about wives following their OWN husbands.
Christian women aren’t called to submit to men in general.
Also, I know that these teachings aren’t very popular today and are labeled as repressive toward wives.
But, for the God-glorifying health and harmony of the Christian home, the wife is to be in submission and
deference to her husband -understanding his God-given role of responsibility for their home.
In terms of our inherent value to God, we’re told in -
* Galatians 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male
and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
This is teaching that all of us have value and significance in whatever role we find ourselves.
This morning, we’re not over emphasizing just a verse in a single passage.
The wives submission to her husband is a bedrock principle of order in the Christian home and taught
throughout the NT.
Paul writes to the church in Colossae what’s almost identical.
* Colossians 3:18 18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
As we looked at last week, the wife is called to submit to her husband is because God has made him the
head of the home.
* 1 Corinthians 11:3 3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of
a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.
In Titus 2:5, we read what older women are to instruct younger women.
* Titus 2:5 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own
husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.
Peter wrote to wives on how they should live even when their husbands don’t have a relationship with God.
* 1 Peter 3:1–2 1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey
the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your
respectful and pure conduct.
Lead -In some places, the husbands headship can be described as a “covering.”
Wives can think of submitting to the care and devotion of their husbands as being like an umbrella.
In God’s design, the husband has simply been given the responsibility of holding the umbrella if you will.
He is a covering in that he will stand before God for the state of your home.
You and he are to live your lives with each other out of reverence for God’s design.
Don’t stand before God dripping wet.
What I mean by that is “Don’t step out from under your husband’s covering and be held responsible before
God for your choices.”
Of course, it’s different if your husband is rebelliously leading you into sin.
Husbands, having the role of the loving head doesn’t mean your wife has no right to her opinion.
Being the head of your home doesn’t mean that you unilaterally make decisions.
It means that you will stand before the Lord for the decision that’s made.
But, wives, if your input is “I don’t care what you think. This is what I’m doing.” You’ll stand
before the Lord for your lack of submission.
A wise husband will appreciate the concerns of his wife as counsel without necessarily abdicating his
responsibility for the decision to her.
A wise wife will also keep eternity in mind as she navigates walking surrendered to the Lord and in
submission to her husband.
This is an obedience that wives must choose to walk in -husbands are not to enforce these commands.
Similarly, the command to love his wife is a call that a husband must choose to obey.
It’s not the wife’s responsibility to squeeze love out of her husband.
And wives, when you see us going the wrong way, we need you to bring it to our attention.
We need you to do so in a way that we can receive it.
So, next we see how wives have the opportunity to proclaim the gospel in their roll as you -
2. SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBAND’S GODGIVEN RESPONSIBILITY.
* 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself
its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their
husbands.
Verse 24 is following the explanation given in verse 23 -the husband has been put in the place of authority
over the home.
The late Tim Keller wrote about marriage, “The GOSPEL is both the power and the pattern for marriage.”
And we see this again as our gospel relationship with Christ is what our marriage should proclaim.
We’re being told of the further likeness that the husband wife relationship should have to Christ and His
church.
The same way that we should place ourselves under the authority of Christ as His church, wives are to do
the same in their relationship with their husband.
A Christian or a church that doesn’t care about the headship of Christ is not fulfilling their responsibility in
the world and will not be fruitful.
Similarly, a wife who is not in submission to her husband (receptive to his leadership, provision, and
protection) is not living in obedience to the Lord and will not be fruitful.
The term submit means to come under a person.
And it’s commonly used in military scenarios.
It would describe what’s expected of a soldier with respect to his commanding officer.
The soldier is no less valuable.
It’s simply the way things are organized for the sake of accomplishing missions.
What’s different is that the commanding officer isn’t called to love his soldiers.
As the soldier would come under the command of his officer, the wife is to come under the loving care of
her husband.
Notice, the context in which a wife is supposed to do so -in everything.
Of course, I’ve already said that a wife shouldn’t follow her husband into sin.
But surrender to his headship is more than far reaching.
It’s all encompassing -just as we’re always married no matter where we are.
This doesn’t mean that a wife is to be following her husband around waiting on him and without a life of her
own.
It means that she is receptive to her husband’s provision, protection, and leadership.
This also doesn’t mean that a wife isn’t to be farther than 100 steps from her home.
A woman can fulfill any role and responsibility in society.
But if she has covenanted with God and her husband in the union of marriage, he and their children must
be her first concern.
If she can’t maintain those promises and have a career, I can tell you that it’s her home responsibilities
that she will give an account to before the Lord before the others.
Imagine a naval vessel out on the open ocean.
The captain receives a mission: reach a specific destination, at a specific time, for a specific purpose.
Now, a wise captain doesn’t operate in isolation.
He leans on his first officer.
They talk it through.
The first officer might raise concerns, suggest adjustments, even challenge assumptions—and the captain
listens.
There’s real input there.
Once the mission is clear and the actions decided, it doesn’t stay in discussion mode.
It flows downward.
The helmsman gets a heading: “Turn to 270 degrees.”
The engine room gets an order: “Maintain a speed of 20 knots.”
Each crew member carries out a role that fits under the larger mission.
That’s actually a helpful way to understand the word submission.
At its core, it simply means this: to place your mission under a greater mission.
Now imagine the opposite.
The first officer thinks, “I’ve got concerns.”
But instead of working through them with the captain, he starts issuing his own competing directions.
The helmsman says, “I feel like 180 degrees is a better direction for me.”
The engine room says, “We’re going to ease back—we’re trying to maintain a better work-life balance.”
At this point, you don’t have a coordinated ship.
You have a collection of individuals… all doing their own thing… in the middle of the ocean.
And that ship isn’t just inefficient—it’s in danger.
Because when roles stop aligning under the mission, the mission doesn’t just slow down. It falls apart.
And that’s why this idea of submission matters so much—because it’s about everyone aligning under what
matters most.
And this doesn’t at all mean that one person is less important than another.
It means the mission is more important than any and all of them.
It’s a wife’s commitment to Christ and to the marriage vows that she’s taken that will sustain her love.
Remember that your call to submission is meant to be coming under the mission that God has given your
husband.
If your husband isn’t listening to the Lord, he will answer to God for that.
Don’t stand before God one day and learn that God was trying to do something in your home but was
hindered because of your lack of submission.
It’s always important to mention at some point that God’s Word never allows for abuse.
Certainly, biblical submission does NOT call a wife to subject herself or her children to violence.
Here’s the best way to evaluate if a relationship is abusive.
In an abusive relationship, the abuser has all the rights, and the abusee has none.
For instance, the financial abuser will be able to spend or save hoard without check,
but the other person can’t spend a dime without being punished.
Or the person being emotionally abused isn’t allowed to argue back without receiving an onslaught of fear-
causing and emotionally damaging words by the abusive person.
And there’s no excuse that can be made for these situations.
No amount of “you made me do it” makes it acceptable.
If we suspect abuse, it’s helpful for us to ask ourselves, “Do I” or “Does my loved one have any rights in the
area of concern, and does their spouse have any limits in comparison.”
With that said, verse 33 moves from position of submission to the posture of respect.
And from it, I want encourage wives and you future wives -
3. SHOW RESPECT AND HONOR TO YOUR HUSBAND. (33B)
* let the wife see that she respects her husband.
As with the husbands being told that each one of us should love our wives as ourselves, verse 33 brings it
down to the brass tacks for the wives as well.
Respect is the general expectation of what we should show when we’re under someone’s God-given
authority.
While both submission and respect are rooted in obedience to God, they express that obedience in different
ways.
Submission involves voluntarily coming under another’s authority to promote order and unity.
Respect involves showing honor, reverence, and esteem toward the person who holds that authority.
Submission is about position and response; respect is about attitude and appreciation.
Think of an assistant basketball coach that’s beside the head coach during the game.
They’re talking about what they notice, share their opinions, and decide to call a timeout.
Submissively, the assistant coach stands off the head coach’s hip as he’s talking to the players.
But when he hears the play called or who’s going to get the ball for the shot, the assistant coach grimaces.
As he listens to more, he rolls his eyes and palms his face, shaking his head.
It’s clear to the players that he disagrees with the coach’s decision.
And as they take the court he’s shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders as he says, “Good luck.”
I hope you can see from this what I means when I say wives can submit to their husbands without respect.
I’m not saying that all of us husbands are worthy of respect -we’re not.
As the book, Love and Respect, states “Ultimately, you practice… respect because beyond your spouse you
see Jesus Christ…”
Let’s just admit something, wives are typically more verbal and quick-witted than their husbands.
You can talk circles around us while we’re still pivoting on the matter.
It’s easy for a wife to say, “Well, I’m going along with this, but let me tell you what I think about it!”
Or maybe, “Let me tell you what I think about the last five times I went along with you on something!”
Often, when walking in the flesh, a wife can be tempted to verbally attack her husband bringing up the
past –withdrawing her respect for him.
This is similar to how a husband can be tempted to withdraw his love and attention.
This is the downward spiral that Emerson Eggerichs calls “The Crazy Cycle” as both sinful responses feed
off each other in a cold war of disrespectful attitudes and retreating to tinker in the garage.
Last week I said that the wife will only blossom as she’s loved by her husband in a self-sacrificing way.
In a similar way, the husband needs the encouragement, support, and shown appreciation for the role that
God has placed him in.
Because Christ is Lord, a wife Lives out her obedience to Christ in her marriage, submits to her husband’s
Godgiven responsibility, and demonstrates that submission through respectful honor.
If you look on the back of your notes, you’ll see the Marriage Wheel.
Think of this wheel as being what opens the valve of God’s blessing and oneness in your marriage.
At the bottom, you see one the wife’s God-given needs that a healthy marriage can meet for her.
It’s her security.
At the top, you see one of the husband’s God-given needs that a healthy marriage can meet for him.
It’s his significance.
RC Sproul writes, “Probably the most fragile mechanism in the whole creation is the male ego. One of the
most difficult things to admit or to understand is that there is probably nothing that a man wants more from
his wife than her admiration. There is probably nothing that a woman wants more from her husband than
his attention, taking her seriously and treating her with the greatest dignity.”
This diagram can be used as a reminder of how, with Christ at the center, the husband and wife can each
focus on their own role to the glory of God.
And when this takes place, the wheel will turn, and your marriage can start to proclaim the beauty of the
gospel for God’s glory and for their good.
